Dethklok Christmas
by Lauren Wagner
Summary: Metalocalypse: Toki tries to get everyone to celebrate the holidays
1. Chapter 1

The only good memory Toki had about his brief childhood with his insanely religious parents was how they celebrated Christmas.

He wasn't beaten or forced to work on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day and they were the only times when he truly thought that they loved and cared for him.

His parents would even talk to him then; telling him that they loved him as they helped him make colorful paper baskets that would later be filled with candy, fruit slices, and candied nuts.

His mother and father acted like real parents then; not maniacs.

It was because of this that he loved the holiday so much and he wanted to make everyone happy on Christmas. He bought everyone in the band a special gift and sometimes they would be unable to do anything else but stare at it in awe; wondering how Toki was able to match the gift so well with the person's personality.

Each gift was wrapped up by himself too; unlike the gifts that the others bought and had wrapped and delivered by some of the hooded servants instead.

Toki wasn't as stupid as the others thought he was at times. He knew how everyone felt about the holiday and he treated them accordingly.

Skwisgaar hated the holiday because his mother once left him out in the snow during Christmas Eve while she had sex with five men.

Pickles became withdrawn and extremely drunk during Hanukah; the drunkenness carrying over into and past Christmas Day.

Murderface hated the holiday because it reminded him of his grandfather for some odd reason that Toki was still unsure about.

Nathan locked himself in the recording studio; writing hundreds of songs that he would later burn in a huge kind of funeral pyre.

Even Charles was affected by the holiday; run ragged by his boys' wild antics and the lawsuits that were filed because of them.

They never actually celebrated Christmas together like a family and so Toki felt that it was his duty to try and bring them together through his presents since they refused to come together in person.

Humming a soft carol to himself as he worked; Toki adjusted the bow on the gift he had made special for Pickles before first picking up Skwisgaar's gift and nodding to himself as he left his room.

He had five gifts to deliver this night and the blonde Swede was the first on his list to get one!


	2. Chapter 2

Skwisgaar hated Christmas.

He hated it more than Charles' speeches about not having sex with random women.

He hated it more than the STD tests.

He hated it more than those damn fans.

He even hated it more than his own mother.

Grumbling darkly to himself; Skwisgaar curled up further into his furred blanket and covered his head with his pillow.

It was always too cold during Christmas and all of the happy lights and music seemed to make it even colder to the Swede. Everything in nature was dead and dying and yet here was everyone singing and laughing happily for the birth of some Kid!

"Christmas is total dildos." He muttered; rubbing his arms to try and get warmer.

People were always just buying things during this time; things that would be broken and ignored after a week.

The only thing he ever got as a child for Christmas was a beating by a drunken mother and a night in a snowdrift.

Shuddering at the memory; Skwisgaar shut his eyes tightly and curled up into a tighter ball; hugging himself desperately.

No doubt the hooded servants were having a party on their one day off. He would stay here until the whole holiday was over with; getting plastered when it was New Year's Eve to try and forget it had ever happened.

He growled as someone knocked on the door.

"Go away!" he snapped.

The door opened however and Skwisgaar sat up angrily and pointed at the door.

"Out!"

"Skwisgaar!" Toki protested. "Why yous not at party?"

"Christmas is dildos. I hates it."

"Why?"

"None of yous wasp honey!"

Toki pouted and shifted a bit, holding something behind his back.

Skwisgaar frowned and cocked an eyebrow.

"What yous got?"

"This for yous, Skwisgaar!" Toki announced, revealing a small wrapped up box topped with a pearl colored bow.

"Happy Merry Christmas, Skwisgaar!"

Before Skwisgaar could say anything, Toki gave him the gift and then ran off with a giggle.

Blinking, Skwisgaar looked down at the box and sighed as he undid the bow and tore off the paper.

"Idiot Toki and his…"

It was a ring made out of white gold; the image of a wolf engraved on it. Inside the ring there was an old prayer to Odin engraved on it…

A prayer for Odin to keep him safe.

His frown melted away then and Skwisgaar smiled as he slipped it on; admiring it in the light of the room.

"Dildo Toki…" he whispered lovingly.


	3. Chapter 3

Pickles was not in the mood for any kind of holiday celebration.

Except for getting drunk…he was perfectly happy to do the drinking part of celebration.

Groaning softly, the redheaded drummer of the world's most influential metal band in the world sat up and rubbed his blurry and red rimmed eyes; wishing that the whole month of December would just disappear and leave him alone.

It wasn't Christmas that bothered him so much; Christmas was just another one of those holidays that was a good idea at the time before the businesses sunk their fangs into it and sucked it dry.

It was Hanukah that got to him…

And his memories about Bullets that went with the Jewish holiday.

The soft knocking on his door sounded like pounding to his poor head and he sucked air between his teeth and let out a soft hiss as the door was opened and Toki stepped inside.

"Pickle?" the Norwegian asked softly. "Yous awake and ok?"

"What do ya want?" he mumbled, still rubbing at his eyes furiously.

"Goods! You awake to sees you present for Christmas times!" Toki nodded in approval; walking into the room happily and pushing Pickles' TV closer to his bed.

"Toki…what are ya doin'?" Pickles asked, taking his hands away and watching the Norwegian work on turning on the TV and the DVD player.

"I mades yous a present this time. I tink yous going to loves it to pieces, Pickle."

"Toki…I aint in the mood for this right now…come back later when I'm sober."

"Yous never sober!" Toki pointed out, ignoring him as he opened the player and slipped the disc in.

"Exactly…"

Huffing, Toki rolled his eyes and just shook his head as he walked up and kissed Pickles on the top of his head before heading out once more.

"Merry Happy Christmas, Pickle." He said as he shut the door behind him.

Rolling his eyes, Pickles huffed and crossed his arms over his chest as he turned his attention to the screen as the DVD began to play.

…

_The camera was shaking a lot and at times it was aimed at the ceiling or the floor before it finally focused on the man sitting on the cot; dressed in the usual attire patients at a mental facility are forced to wear._

_The camera suddenly turned around before the man sitting could be made out completely and Toki smiled and waved._

"_Is snuck this camera in so that someone special could gives yous an important message, Pickle!" Toki explained calmly. "Yous ready, Bullet?"_

_When the camera finally settled down again; Snizzy Snazz Bullets was soon made visible. He looked pale and much older and tired from the ordeal with the drugs; but he still smiled a one-sided smile as he gave the camera a weak wave._

"_Hey Pickles…I hope you get this message." He said softly; his voice hoarse and raspy from vomiting acid blood._

"_He will." Toki promised._

_Bullets nodded at this and smiled as he idly ran a hand over the right side of his face._

"_Have a good holiday ok?" he asked, turning his eyes back on the camera. "Both Hanukah and Christmas."_

"_He usually don't." Toki said. "He always sad because he tink about yous all the time."_

"_Well that's something that needs to change now isn't it?" Bullets laughed softly. "The holidays are about spending time with friends and family…not getting wasted and sulking by yourself in your room!"_

"_Seriously!" Toki nodded, making the camera move with his head._

_Bullets started to cough then; a hacking wheeze that made him double over in pain._

"_Have a…good time with…your new family…Red." He coughed seconds before the DVD ended._

…

Pickles sat in his room silently; his face showing no emotion as the TV went black.

Sniffing softly, he rubbed at his eye once more.

"Douche bags…the both of 'em."


	4. Chapter 4

"_Did I ever tell you about your namesake, William? General William Murderface of the Confederate army?"_

_His grandfather had told him many times about his namesake; but the eight-year-old Murderface never grew tired of hearing it anyway._

"_Tell me, Granpa!"_

_The old man smiled and nodded as he started to tell his grandson about their family history._

"_General William Murderface was the scourge of the Union! He and his men fought like demons on the battlefield and always won! No one could stop them once the battle had started until they were dead or their enemies were!_

"_And do you know what pissed off those Yanks more than losing their soldiers?"_

"_What?"_

"_He pissed on the bodies; every last one of them. Just a stream of piss for every dead body on the field!"_

_The boy burst into laughter at that; tossing his head back in delight as he thought about someone actually pissing on a dead body like that._

_He was always fascinated with piss…he wasn't sure why._

"_William! Thunderbolt! Itsch time for dinner!" Stella shouted from the kitchen._

_Rolling his eyes, Thunderbolt sighed and shook his head._

"_All right, I guess it's time to deal with your grandmother's Christmas dinner." He sighed. "Run along now. I'll catch up with you."_

_Nodding, William left the bedroom and started heading down the stairs to his grandmother in the kitchen when he suddenly heard a thump back in the bedroom._

"_Granpa?"_

_He went back up the stairs then and when he looked into the room; he found his grandfather convulsing on the floor, drool flying from his mouth._

"_Granpa?!"_

…

Gritting his teeth; Murderface stabbed his bedpost for the fiftieth time; snarling as he dragged the blade along the worn wooden frame before picking it up to stab down once more.

His grandfather had never been the same after that massive stroke from nowhere; and he personally blamed Christmas for it.

He didn't look up when Toki knocked on the door; nor did he look when he let himself in; giving the bass player a shy smile as he set down his wrapped up gift before leaving once more with a whispered 'Merry Christmas'.

Ten minutes passed before he finally decided to open the present and he stared in wonder as he lifted his gift up from the box.

It was an old Civil War uniform…from the Confederate side.

The name inscribed on the inside said "William M."


	5. Chapter 5

Nathan had a secret.

It was a dark and shameful secret that would destroy him and Dethklok if their fans ever found out about it.

Gritting his teeth fiercely as he narrowed his eyes; Nathan continued to write in his new marble notebook that he had bought just for the month of December.

On January first the notebook would be burned out front along with the cursed words inside of it.

Nathan Explosion was writing Christmas music.

Christmas was not metal and neither was writing songs for it.

But the music was so…happy! How could he not want to make a metal Christmas album?

A deep rumbling came from his chest as he bit down on his pen cap.

The others certainly wouldn't go for it if he asked them to make such an album. They would probably laugh him right out of Mordhaus and the band that he had created for such an idea.

The knocking on the recording studio's locked door made him curl his upper lip in a snarl.

"Go away!"

"Na'tan! Open the door!" Toki begged.

"Go away and die somewhere!"

"Come on…"

"I aint in the mood, Wartooth!"

"Fine!" Toki huffed. "Merry Christmas!"

Rolling his eyes, Nathan went back to finishing a song about a reindeer who couldn't fly but always wanted to be part of Santa's team.

After ten minutes had passed, he finally opened the door to see what Toki had gotten him.

"Mew?"

Sitting in a box filled with fluff rested a tiny kitten. He was a tri-colored kitten with colors of orange, black, and white; a tiny fleck of white on the tip of its pink nose.

Looking up at the lead singer of Dethklok, the kitten mewed once more as it showed off its jade green eyes.

Nathan frowned and looked around to make sure no one was around. When the coast was clear he smiled and picked the kitten up; bringing him inside with him.

"Merry Christmas…"


	6. Chapter 6

"Ma'am, your son clearly and willingly signed our Pain Waiver before entering the stadium. He was not threatened nor was he was forced to sign and agree to it. We are legally exempt from any responsibility concerning his death as per the Pain Waiver."

"…"

"Yes, I know that he was killed by a head butt from Murderface but…"

"…"

"Ma'am, I need you to calm down and stop…"

"…"

"I don't think taking us to court will do anything but waste your money, ma'am."

"…"

"Very well then. See you in court."

Charles slammed the phone down as the woman continued to scream and he groaned as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

His boys always gave him strife during the holidays, and yet he never got any thanks for all of the work he did for them.

Sometimes it made him very bitter.

"Charlies?"

Toki's head popped into the open doorway and Charles inwardly sighed as he took off his glasses and cleaned them with a cloth before setting them back onto his nose.

"Yes, Toki?"

"Happy Christmas, Charlies!" Toki announced, holding up a slender box.

Cocking an eyebrow, Charles accepted the gift.

"I'm surprised. Thank you, Toki." He said as he undid the bow. "Thank you for the…tie."

Toki smiled and nodded, ignoring the barely hidden annoyance on Charles' face.

"Happy Christmas, Charlies!" Toki repeated before leaving him with a wave.

Once Toki was gone, Charles shrugged off his disguise and frowned more fully.

He gave up his life for his boys and this was how they thanked him? Calling him a robot, thinking he's their butler, and now this?

A tie…the world's worst gift for anyone on any holiday.

Rolling his eyes, Charles went to crumple it into a ball and throw it into the trash when something fell from it.

A small folded up piece of paper had been slipped into the back of the tie.

Tilting his head to one side, Charles picked it up and unfolded it.

Written in jagged English was a simple message:

'Tank yoo Charly'

Charles blushed and folded it up again, placing it in his pocket before taking off his usual tie and switching it with this new one.

Charles finally got what he always wanted.

A thank you from one of his boys.


	7. Chapter 7

Toki giggled to himself as he walked down the halls of Mordhaus; a veritable bounce in his step as he headed back down to the Christmas party after giving Charles his Christmas present.

The party wasn't that fun either; it was just him and then everyone who worked for Dethklok with their hoods off.

Although he did have to admit having fun listening to their librarian talk about her own family. She was a kindly old woman who showed him pictures of her grandson named Duane who apparently had his own band.

The party ended late and Toki was exhausted after having so much fun and he practically had to drag himself up the stairs to his bedroom.

He had to do a double take when he opened his bedroom door.

When he had left his room; it was just as it always had been.

But now…now it was decorated everywhere for the holiday that he loved so much.

"Wowie!" he whispered in awe, stepping into his room carefully.

The walls and ceilings were covered with paper snowflakes and his entire floor was covered in cotton balls to act as snow. On his worktable there were some small paper baskets filled with candy, nuts, and candied fruit slices. Tinsel was randomly strewn about the room and even his beloved Deddybear had been put into a little Santa outfit; complete with a hat and black boots.

Not only that, but there rested five large boxes wrapped in brightly colored paper and topped with beautiful metallic bows.

Clapping his hands excitedly, Toki did a few small jumps in place before he then started to tear at his presents with gusto.

Skwisgaar gave him a ring made out of solid sapphire, with the image of a wolf pup on the outside and a prayer to Freyja on the inside.

Pickles gave him a guitar that Bullets himself had once given him during Hanukah a long time ago and when Toki played a few bars on it, he found that it still could play.

Murderface gave Toki an old Viking sword with a matching round shield and a two-handed battle hammer.

Nathan gave Toki a set of fifteen little outfits for him to dress up Deddybear; six of which were costumes to make the stuffed animal look like any member of Dethklok and Charles.

Charles gave Toki a book filled with coupons that ranged from 'one English speaking lesson' to a 'special coupon' where the Norwegian could write whatever he wanted on it and the manager/lawyer would do it for him.

"Wowie, Deddy! This is the best Christmas evers!" Toki announced, flopping onto his bed and looking up at the paper stars taped to the ceiling.

He slowly fell asleep a few minutes later, a smile on his lips still.

…

"Ya think he liked 'em?" Pickles whispered as they peeked in on the sleeping Toki.

"He better! Thosche weaponsch are really old!" Murderface snorted.

"He is like de liddle kid." Skwisgaar said. "He likeded it."

"I bet you he's going to have his bear wear those outfits and then carry him around to show him off." Nathan laughed.

"No doubt he will." Charles nodded, adjusting his glasses to try and hide his smile. "And no doubt those coupons will be used up in no time.

"Especially the 'playtime with your airplanes' one." He added with a sigh.

"Come on, we need to get back to bed." Pickles said with a yawn. "It's too damn early to be up like this!"

They went off into their own rooms then; leaving Toki to dream about the best Christmas ever.


End file.
